So this is it. I have come to the conclusion that I have been in denial about my weight for some time- a long time.
Don't get me wrong, my denial is not that I looked at myself and saw a skinny woman. No, its hundreds of little denials that has helped me live with who I am, a 44 year old woman that is 250 lbs. As I come clean and see my life without rose-color glasses, I have come face-to-face with a women with her over all health on the decline. It's a lot easier to say that you don't like those pair of pants than to accept that you cannot fit in them. When you take a airline trip, and you fit in chair and the belt fits, its easier to say that its not "that bad". And when you go to the doctor, you pray that the blood pressure and all the other tests read normal. Even though you know that you done nothing to prevent adverse results. I have done just about anything to escape from exercising even though I know absolutely need it. And the ultimate deception, "I don't eat that much".
I have done these things, all the time knowing that I have a family history of heart disease and heart Attack. My own father avoided the "widow maker" heart attack when his doctor discovered 98% blockage, when he was in his early 50's. Only to survive a heart attack about 5 yrs later. In spite of knowing this I have continued to live in denial until last week.
Just after my 44th birthday, I laid in bed with chest pain. Whoa "chest pain?" It felt like it could be reflux, but I wasn't sure. But I was hoping it was indeed reflux, but I needed for somebody to tell me I was being a worry-wort. So I did go to the doctor, where they asked a bunch of questions, but one of them was, "Is it normal for you for your blood pressure to be high?" "Lets take a look." As the doctor, looked at my blood pressure readings for the last year they had almost all been "high". Based on my family history and my pain, I was scheduled to see a cardiologist.
Suddenly my fog of denial was starting to lift. But just a little......
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